horrible horrible horrible.

23Feb10

no one reads this and the void does not know who i am. and for that i am thankful. writing about my pain here is more comforting than keeping it hidden. publishing it, even if nobody sees it, validates my pain. there is my explanation, universe, in case you were wondering.

my suicidal thoughts are back after many years. i spent all day today crying and eventually sleeping and then crying again and now with tears in my eyes. since saturday.

the past four months have been hell. it is all heartbreak and instability and uncertainty and lostness and stress and pressure and loneliness and fright and fear.

i’ve been growing pretty quickly, but it hasn’t made the pain all that easier to bear. and i lost my best friend – gave him up. can’t even stand him now. not after getting to know some appalling aspects of his personality and being. i didn’t know he could be asshole, so irresponsible, so etc etc bad things. i gave up my stable and relatively peaceful life for an illusion of love and amazing compatibility. oh, do i feel cheated. so cheated. i do not see myself ever loving him again, even as a friend. all i harbor for him is resentment. that is it.

i feel like like going on a fucking spree to have fun, be distracted. it really helped last time i did it.

and i feel like taking up smoking again, which i gave up years ago and has grossed me out ever since. but poisoning myself now doesn’t sound so terrible. not when i loathe my life and, i suppose, myself. when i say i want to die and all i ask is that my dog is loved and well taken care of after i am gone. that i wish for a pill i can swallow with water and that will kill me quickly in my sleep to stop the anguish.

i am tired of crying. it accomplishes nothing. i do not feel better. it accomplishes nothing.

it becomes hard to be grateful and mindful when the extent of my pain blinds me to the outside world, to all outside my pain.

my mind barely works. i am paralyzed. and far away in a distant land with things gone awry.

life is not worth living this way, especially when i know that the agony can persist for years and years without pause because i have lived it, reluctantly.

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8 Responses to “horrible horrible horrible.”

  1. Stop reflecting back in your memories, and look forward and plan forward. No reason to think about things in the past if they hurt you to think about. What you have here is now, where you are at. Plan for the future and you will walk away from your past thoughts. Keep busy with things that make you feel good about youre self. There is no reason why you should ever use negative self talk.

    I hope these words will help you think forward.

  2. I understand the dark void but try to think of anything that is good. Beyond Blue is a good place to go because Therese has been and continues to be where you are. She really is a help. Take care and if you need someone to vent to I am here. I don’t know you but I can feel you.

  3. 3 aprilx

    um, wow. thank you.

    @zandocomm – you’re right. i try to live in the present, but sometimes it gets too hard. about the future…it’s the future that is provoking fear in me. and thank you.

    @rose i will look up beyond blue. thank you. you are lovely.

    i will seek help. i plan to see my old therapist in a couple of weeks.

    this post already has 11 views. how the hell are people finding this? *speechless*

  4. I was looking through blogsurfer and just happened to come across your blog and I felt compelled to read it. Sometimes things happen for a reason……..I also understand the comfort that a MAJOR shopping spree brings. Sounds like we’re alike in that respect. Also, I don’t think I mentioned that Therese is on Beyond Blue and it’s on Beliefnet. Sometimes when it’s that dark its nice to have someone who lives next door in that particular residence reach out.
    Thanks so much for the vegan advice. I’m going to go to Food Matters. Something has to help.
    Thanks sweetie!!

  5. Hey April,
    How are you doing?? Better, I hope! Let me know you’re ok. Thanks for the website. I went to food matters and looking at it very seriously. I love love love veggies but on occasion the carnivorous monster hits me and I must have cow.

    I hope everything looks better.

    Rosemary

  6. 6 aprilx

    hey rose

    i’m doing better and i’m so glad! that was scary. thank you so much for your sweet words…<3

    i'm glad you're looking at food matters! if you cut down on processed foods and increase your intake of raw vegetables, perhaps especially drink lots of fresh veg juices, it could even out if you have cow sometimes. have you consulted with a naturopath? s/he would be able to help you with your food choices or point you to a nutritionist who gets this stuff.

    hugs

  7. 7 Rose

    Just checking in on you. I am so glad you’re feeling better. Yes, it WAS scary for me to read your words. Weird, isn’t it? I don’t know you but you’re words really touched me. I’ve treaded very lightly on that vein and just even dipping one toe in that particular pond frightened me beyond belief. Let me know how you’re doing!!

    I’m trying life without cows and going more veg. I’ve got to lose weight and that will help me.

    Hugs back!

  8. 8 Rose

    Also, read my blog on narcissists. Sounds like we were in that same pond as well…………..


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