a misunderstanding: from rage to peace and wisdom

02Apr09

it took me weeks to get back to her.

apparently, we had a [massive] misunderstanding last time we got together. she was there with a bunch of people while the plan was to play basketball, just us. who were they? why wasn’t she greeting me? why was i being ignored? why was i, after 5 minutes, given a ball and told her that i by could go bounce it in the other court? i waited 10 minutes more although i was livid already–so that i could say tht i gave her time, you see. to gain leverage and win others over to my side. evidently, i can be quite insecure. i even called a mutual acquaintance/friend of mine to tell her the situation as i was sitting there being snubbed, because it felt so surreal: is this really actually happening right now? what. the. fuck!

and it was. and sadly [?] i had required another person’s perspective, a second opinion—why was mine not enough?—i seem unable to trust my own judgment sometimes. sometimes, it happens often. because i have a history of lousy short-term memory due to depression and psychotropics and possibly due to others exploiting that fact to deceive me (although i doubt that would have happened often).

seeking peace

seeking peace

what i learned, then:

1. i sometimes/often need others’ validation of my impressions and thoughts–> feelings. not healthy? but at the same time, not egocentric. at the same time, not impulsive but cautious. i wanted to avoid a scene and feeling upset. i wanted to be sure that my rage was worth the emotional pain. so is this healthy or unhealthy? if it is both, which is it more? and why?

2. i took weeks to respond to her apologetic email, and i never called her back or texted her back. by that night, she had tried reaching me several times. i neglected to answer the call because i was fucking pissed and would have told her to go to hell, and neglected to text her venomous words because, well, i ran out of credit. good thing, too. it would have upset me more to also have that rage extended through time due to the additional memory of texting angry words and awaiting a response, imagining her reaction, her impression of the situation, and being terribly pessimistic about it.

finally tonight. today, at 6am after yoga and a shower, feeling better from being sick for 5 days, i suddenly remembered the issue and felt ready to deal with it. so i wrote her a respectful and nonjudgmental email: i only told her what my impressions were using a lot of “i” statements (e.g. i felt ignored, as opposed to you ignored me). because in truth, i cannot judge. not accurately, because i do not know what her experience was of all this. and i am very glad and truly happy that i have reached thsi level of consciousness and emotional enlightenment, if you will, as it brings me peace. empathy. compassion, even. and it’s 200% better than feeling upset and demeaned.  i will try to keep this conscientious state of awareness and nonjudgment with me. it’s all about practice, after all, eh?

3. the importance of clear  communication cannot be overstated enough. truly. what a necessity for sanity!

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