no one reads this and the void does not know who i am. and for that i am thankful. writing about my pain here is more comforting than keeping it hidden. publishing it, even if nobody sees it, validates my pain. there is my explanation, universe, in case you were wondering.

my suicidal thoughts are back after many years. i spent all day today crying and eventually sleeping and then crying again and now with tears in my eyes. since saturday.

the past four months have been hell. it is all heartbreak and instability and uncertainty and lostness and stress and pressure and loneliness and fright and fear.

i’ve been growing pretty quickly, but it hasn’t made the pain all that easier to bear. and i lost my best friend – gave him up. can’t even stand him now. not after getting to know some appalling aspects of his personality and being. i didn’t know he could be asshole, so irresponsible, so etc etc bad things. i gave up my stable and relatively peaceful life for an illusion of love and amazing compatibility. oh, do i feel cheated. so cheated. i do not see myself ever loving him again, even as a friend. all i harbor for him is resentment. that is it.

i feel like like going on a fucking spree to have fun, be distracted. it really helped last time i did it.

and i feel like taking up smoking again, which i gave up years ago and has grossed me out ever since. but poisoning myself now doesn’t sound so terrible. not when i loathe my life and, i suppose, myself. when i say i want to die and all i ask is that my dog is loved and well taken care of after i am gone. that i wish for a pill i can swallow with water and that will kill me quickly in my sleep to stop the anguish.

i am tired of crying. it accomplishes nothing. i do not feel better. it accomplishes nothing.

it becomes hard to be grateful and mindful when the extent of my pain blinds me to the outside world, to all outside my pain.

my mind barely works. i am paralyzed. and far away in a distant land with things gone awry.

life is not worth living this way, especially when i know that the agony can persist for years and years without pause because i have lived it, reluctantly.


are shit.


i have several questions: what do i want? where would i be happiest living and with whom? must i know asap or can i wait and not lose any important opportunities?

how do you know before you get there?

i am practicing being patient with myself – because, really, why should i know the answers right now? i don’t need to. i can take all the time i want. and then, if i’ve lost opportunities, i can find others.

there we go.

and i am grateful that i can wait because i have resources to keep me safe while i figure shit out. that i can practice being patient with myself. that i am grateful.

and now to continue hibernating and wasting my life away on netflix.


It still hasn’t really hit me. I’m mostly in shock.

There will be no funeral, she will be cremated. And I’m in a different continent anyway, and wouldn’t be able to attend.

Do funerals help those left behind cope with a person’s death? Or are they just a tradition to honor the deceased?

I’m hoping it’s the latter.

And I’m glad she died now, because she was in a coma, and her life had sucked for a very very long time before she became unconscious. It was no life for her, for anybody. She was going senile, wore diapers, couldn’t walk on her own, and so on. It was pathetic, she was depressed and bored, it was awful. For some (hello Kate Chopin!) death is the way out from a shitty life. I hope that’s what happened to my grandma and that she’s in a better place now, free from the suffering that was her whole life, and perhaps especially her last several years.


– I accept and love myself even though not everybody else in the world does, dammit!

– I am here for me me me me first, dammit!

– I am grateful, thankful, and appreciative of all the abundance of good and wonderful things in my life, dammit!

– I vow to practice taking everything less seriously because I am here to enjoy my life, dammit!

– Nature is holy and utterly precious, dammit!

– Love is all around for the sharing, dammit!

– “Mistakes” are my greatest teachers, dammit! I practice embracing them as a complement to taking my life less seriously, dammit!

– I will only comb my hair if I want to, dammit!

– Love is here for all of us, dammit!

– Relaxing and nourishing myself are crucial ways in which I celebrate and express gratitude for my life, dammit!

– I cultivate my strength and spirit, dammit!


danger cliff

I’ve been making shit “life decisions” since around the time I graduated from college. It wasn’t that many years ago, but it feels like ages.

Law school. Yes.

NO!

Move back to my native town instead of trying harder to make things right so I don’t have to.

NO NO NO!

That one really fucked me up. I ended up with the best boyfriend I’ve ever had, but still. Most things were shit. But it was the first time I ever had a family – of my own making, where I felt cozy and loved. I adopted a dog who is now one of my best friends, or maybe my best friend. Perhaps these two things made it all worthwhile. And realizing that law school wasn’t the way to go was good too – but wouldn’t I have found out anyway, and probably before taking out a zillion loans?

Move back again.

NO!

And here I am now. Moved back, again. Regretting my choice, again. Now, after having gone through so much shit, wondering if it’s the shift I need to keep growing. You know, because pain brings growth.

But, fuck, isn’t there a nicer way to grow? I’m so over this pain thing.

 


friends

Deepak Chopra replies:

Relationship Is a Daily Rescue

Although the differences between men and women have been much emphasized, there’s one thing that both sexes must do in a relationship: rescue love. Relationships are happy where love is nurtured. They begin to fray around the edges when love is compromised, and they end when love is gone.

What causes love to go away?

Many answers have been offered — boredom, routine, various distractions, outside obligations, fixation on work, wandering libido, lack of trust.  But instead of dealing with such a long list item by item, there might be a simpler way. If you can rescue love every day, bringing yourself back to the place where love is, all the other problems don’t have a chance to grow.

To rescue love, you first must understand what it is. Love includes affection but is more than affection. It associates itself with sexual desire, kindness, compassion, altruism, and mutual regard.  With those things in mind, many couples turn love into loving acts and loving feelings.  But such efforts are the effect of love, not love itself. You cannot turn an effect into a cause. For example, if you find out that your partner has cheated, you have a reason not to love him or her.  Trying to be nice instead of nasty won’t revive your love.

If you can discover how love works as a cause, you can rescue it every day.

Love as a cause goes beyond the individual. It’s transpersonal or as spiritual teachers say, transcendent.  That’s not the same as mystical. To transcend means to go beyond.  In this case, we want to contact love that goes beyond the ego. The ego is often put in charge of love. When love becomes what “I” want, then relationship is a negotiation between two selfish points of view.  There’s nothing wrong with negotiating the everyday details of your relationship – who does the dishes, when to have sex, how to have sex, etc. — but love isn’t about trade-offs and what happens in bed.

Love beyond the ego has to be on a new basis. It’s not about quid pro quo, giving as long as you get to take. It’s mutual. It exists in a space between two people. The only way to be deeply happy in a relationship is to find that space every time you lose it.  In this way, love goes beyond affection and being nice.  Loving acts blossom naturally once you find the place in your own awareness that is love. Needless to say, becoming aware is a process, in love as in everything.

Consider how relationships develop. We get along well with someone else who agrees with our point of view. We feel an intimate connection; we feel validated in their presence. Then the spell is broken. The other person turns out to have many opinions and beliefs where we don’t agree at all. At this point, the war between right and wrong starts and the road to unhappiness unwinds.

The very fact that you are intimately related makes it even more painful to find areas of disagreement. At the subtle emotional level you feel abandoned. The beautiful sense of merging with someone you love is shattered.  At this point love is compromised. Both people feel the return of the ego, which says, “I am right. My way of doing things is the only way. If you really loved me, you’d give in.”

When the need to be right fades, we stop having so many grievances and resentments, which are the fallout of making someone else wrong. Instead of wasting time with the ego’s version of love, return to the place of love.   To detach yourself from anger, resentment, and the sense of being a victim happens only in the space beyond ego.  You can only find this space by devoting yourself to knowing who you really are. Leaving the ego behind is the same as the spiritual quest for the true self.

When two people are on this quest, they are on the journey to a kind of love that can never be taken away.  The differences between a man and a woman fade in the light of a shared goal that is bigger than any ego need or desire.  Every day becomes both a rescue and a surrender. Not a surrender to another person’s ego, which can only feel like defeat. Rather, both partners surrender to the larger goal.

The ego’s path is much easier to walk and far more familiar.   I know that someone is on the path of love when they ask the following kinds of questions about their relationship every day:

  • Which choice is more loving?
  • What will bring peace between us?
  • How awake am I?
  • What kind of energy am I creating?
  • Am I acting out of trust or distrust?
  • Do I feel what my partner is feeling?
  • Can I give without expecting anything in return?

These questions don’t have automatic answers. They serve instead to wake you up spiritually.  They attune you to a process that is more than “me” and “you.”   When you become devoted to that process together, you and your partner will accomplish what seems impossible: your happiness will be as full for each of you as it is for the two of you together.

EDIT:

“When the need to be right fades, we stop having so many grievances and resentments, which are the fallout of making someone else wrong. Instead of wasting time with the ego’s version of love, return to the place of love.”

Ooh, that is hard. I’m getting there.